By October 2009, 2 months after the love of my life passed away, I was ready and already welcoming death myself. Also at this time - my son was newly-stationed in Hawaii so I knew he would be well-off without a mother like me. My soul was near-death. At this point in my life, I was a crystal-methamphetamine addict for 18 years, but I was what you called a functioning addict. I went to work like everyone else, but every night instead of going home and relaxing with a beer or glass of wine, I hit the glass pipe and smoked crystal all day and night. But I knew what I was doing, at least I thought I did, I thought I had everything under control.
I had my first hit or rather "snort" of crank (methamphetamine) at the age of 19, I had just started going to Hartnell College in Salinas and I was also newly divorced. At first, it was the perfect escape and great way to jump-start my weekends. I only did it once a month, then twice a month - until eventually it made its way into my life and became my co-creator. I had been partying with friends on the weekends to escape and rebel against my parents. I was a teen mom on welfare, still living at home with my parents and instead of support, my parents nagged the fuck out of me to strive to be a better mom. They didn't believe in "me time." Whatever, I did my thing - I made sure Jonathan was picked up on Fridays and I was home when Jonathan came home on Sundays and that's all that mattered. What did my parents expect their 19 year old daughter to do - live like a fuckin' nun? Hello, I already sinned and I was far from perfect, shit I'm in school so I could be out of their way and they wanted to babysit Jonathan, what else did they want from me? All they wanted to do was control me. I was young, wild and free and I COULD. NOT. WAIT. until I transferred to California State University at Sacramento because that would be the ultimate freedom.
By the time I graduated with an Associate of Arts degree and transferred from Hartnell College, I had a 3.8 grade point average and I had gotten Jonathan in the best after-school program in the San Juan Unified School District in Sacramento. At this time, I was a full-time student, a full-time mom and on my own for the first time in my life. It was hard, I struggled with everything especially with my withdrawals - Jonathan suffered as I often took it out on him. I later apologized for my actions but it still doesn't excuse what I did. Needless to say that when I graduated with my Bachelor of Science (yes a B.S. how ironic I know) in Criminal Justice, I had graduated with a weak 2.5 grade point average - still I didn't think I had a problem. I was 100 lbs and still I didn't think I had a problem. I continued to feel alone and I felt no support. I still thought I could do everything on my own. By the year 2000, I had quit methamphetamine and I thought it was for good.
By 2002 and I was already in an on-again, off-again relationship with my fiance Chris, I felt alone AGAIN, I felt the pressures of parenting upon my shoulder and USED life getting in the way as an excuse to escape. I'd gone back on meth, this time though when I hit the pipe, I knew what this form of meth was and what I'd heard about it was true - I had just taken a hit of the most addictive form of methamphetamine - "crystal." So everything was still normal to me - at least my version of normal. Little did I know that my home suffered, Jonathan ate, but I didn't check his homework anymore; I just didn't care anymore. I worked, checked if Jonathan ate and then smoked crystal all night and got ready for work in the morning. When Chris was around, I would hide in the bathroom to smoke crystal, then lay next to him and feign sleeping. All was well I thought to myself.
Fast forward to 2009 when my fiance Chris died, I went from a $520 a month habit to a $1040 a month habit. I did not sleep from August 2009 to September 2009. I isolated myself from everyone as usual and didn't bother reaching out to God even during my darkest hours until...
One night in September 2009, I heard Chris and other voices screaming in my ear. At this point, my friends and cousins all tried to help me to the best of their abilities but the looks of helplessness were written all over their faces - the fact is when I needed them the most, they were there for me and if that isn't an act of God, then I don't know what is. One of my friends took me to her Psychic friend, Sharon and Sharon confirmed that it was Chris coming through in the Spirit world. I asked, why did he come through? Sharon said that Chris wanted to know how to get home [to the house of God] and he knew I could show him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, so I went to my own Psychic, Pam Flowerday. Pam had confirmed that what Sharon was saying was correct and added that I had the gift of clairaudience - "clear hearing of voices in the Spirit world." Both Psychics also mentioned to me that when doing drugs and/or drinking "spirits," one is likely to encounter unwanted spirits if one isn't carefully protected or doesn't have a practice in place. After hearing that - for the first time in my life, I had a goal that wasn't going to be shaken. Also, I might add that I was staying between my cousin Marcel's house and my friend Deborah's house because I was too afraid to come home alone because I no longer felt safe in my own home.
When I decided to quit crystal meth once and for all in my life and I chose to be strong - I finally came home to face my fears. My first night back, I slept with the lights on and I prayed the Our Father and Hail Mary until I fell asleep. I made that a practice for the next few nights, into the next two months. That first night back was the night I redeemed myself and found my way back to God. By December 2009, I had attended a few classes at Angel Light Books, I was able to sleep with the lights off and I had a prayer system in place - from then on, as they say, the rest is history.
Since then, I have been consistently praying/meditating in the morning and at night. I have been helping others since 2009 and I will continue to help others into the next lifetime and beyond. The struggle to stay sober is there, all I can say is I couldn't do it alone, I couldn't do it without God in my life. When you are ready, just like I was, God is there to help you.
I love you all, till next time, I bid you all love, light and compassion.