I find that I am able to express myself better through personal letters, so here we go.
Hello and I'm happy to see you are no longer suffering but I'm so so sad that I no longer get to hold you tight and shower you with my wet kisses (which you found unappealing, yet funny). Even till your last breath, you gave us all a good fight and went down gloriously into heaven. I must be candid with you. When I saw you in the hospital on December 24, 2015 upon arrival in the Philippines, I saw you and your life flash right before my eyes; as if a hint of your exit from this world. Even then, when you were "straddling" heaven and earth - I still wasn't prepared to let you go. I honestly think that we kept your spirit here even though your body retired upon admission to the hospital back on December 19th. You knew you weren't going to make it and forgive me, mommy, but I thought you would still pull through like all the other times. I denied it all, thinking we still had time together. You would think that I learned my lessons about how precious time is, instead of taking it for granted.
I want to ask you, personally, was I enough for you? Did you feel that I loved you enough, that I loved you unconditionally? You know me the perpetual perfectionist (that which I am working on...), I want to know. I guess I'll know once the grieving "dies down" no pun intended. When the time is right, you will visit me in my dreams because that's our new meeting place and you will tell me if I was enough for you, if you felt enough love from me. I knew you loved me for me, all of me unconditionally, but I didn't realize how much more a mother can love her child until I felt your loss. Losing you left another huge void which we both know will never ever be filled EXCEPT UNTIL we meet again of course.
Are you adjusting? I bet you are, you were a strong, smart and beautiful spirit and I know you are showing others (who have been there longer than you have) the ropes and adjustments of the afterlife. You always said I was the fighter and the survivor - I now know that I got all of that from you. Remember, you were the one, that despite your steady income and comfortable lifestyle in the Philippines, you knew you were bound for something greater and you got out of your comfort zone and came to the United States. You made a solemn vow to God that if He granted you abundance (which he did) you vowed to return to your homeland and give back to your family, to your community. Well, your wishes were fulfilled, you came to America, met daddy here, had me and even purchased your homes in the United States and in the Philippines - both of which were products of your sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears and you never asked for a hand-out nor were you on welfare. You and daddy worked your asses off to give me the best; always putting others before yourself. You and daddy are awesome like that - you guys have a beautiful heart and soul. It was also beautiful to see the first two "kids" you put through school, Rex and Ailyn, both take care of you. They're like my 2 siblings - they love you as I do and I know you are just as proud of them as I am.
I know you have seen all of our family and ancestors, but have you seen Chris? Have you talked to him? Have you seen Sami and talked to her? How about Gina? or Anthony? I can't wait to talk to you again when the time is right where you will visit me in my dreams - and I look forward to that.
I love you and I miss you so much. Don't worry, I am stepping up to my role and I promise to take the best care of daddy and Jonathan. I will preserve your memory in our home as much as I can (dad's already renovating - ayayay!) There's so much I want to say to you but for now, know that I cherish the memories I have of you and I that I will forever be grateful and honored to be your daughter. I love you forever.
So there you have it, I've shared a piece of my heart and soul to you in this intimate letter to my mommy. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing this.
Till next time, I bid you all love, light and compassion.