On August 31, 2009, something tugged at me to Google my boyfriend Chris and there it was 4 or more unconfirmed articles naming him and 3 of his loved ones in a tragic accident in Santee, California due to their defective Lexus loaner. I had no way of confirming if indeed he’d passed away since I hadn’t spoken to his family in ages and they had no idea, Chris and I were still together all this time. We were together. We’d already broken up unfortunately, but I thought we’d get back together for the umpteenth time once he came home to the bay area. I immediately checked Facebook and looked up his brother Carl. I found Carl’s page and it was confirmed that Chris, Mark, Cleofe and Mahala were indeed gone. I felt my world spiraling out of control, having an out of body experience as I cried and screamed bloody murder and I knew my neighbors heard me. I must have called my son Jonathan a dozen times and of course he wasn’t picking up because he was still in Submarine School at the time and in between transition and testing, I think. I immediately called my friend, Theresa and surprisingly, she took my call or something like that—by this time I was so far gone, I barely remember that day. I knew people were calling me offering their sympathies but if you ask me today—I couldn’t tell you exactly who called.
I decided the only way I could get through this death was to continue to get high and my drug of choice of that time period was Crystal Methamphetamine (aka “Chrys, Crystal or Christina/Tina”). I wasn’t your typical addict that you see depicted on TV or the movies and neither was I one of those ladies you saw on Oprah, 20/20, etc. I was, in my mind, the worst kind of addict. I functioned just like a normal person, who worked to keep a roof over her child’s head. Of course, my home never had any food, but the rent was always on time. When my son did eat, he ate fast-food and I stopped cooking when he was 15 years old. Anyway, getting back to losing Chris, I continued to get high and even my drug dealer was concerned for me—I was on a consistent 2-eight balls habit a month; after I’d lost Chris, I’d double that habit to 4-eight balls in a month. For those of you unfamiliar with an “eight ball”, it is 3.5 grams of Crystal Meth; so since I was doing 4 eight balls, I was doing 14 grams of Crystal Meth a month. I never shot it intravenously; but boy, did I love smoking it and I smoked it before, during and after work. My relationship with my son suffered—he knew something was going on but I continued to support my habit instead of caring for him. Chris knew I was on drugs, but he continued to love me regardless of my drug addiction. All he told me was to give him the respect and not do drugs around him, so I smoked in the bathroom when he was around. He even met my drug dealer unbeknownst to him.
Anyway, I believe it was about a month after his death and I started losing sleep; I mean given at the time of my addiction, I slept maybe 2-3 hours a night but at least I slept. When Chris died, I stopped sleeping. I would be up for weeks at a time and honestly that part of my life was a complete blur. What I can truly take away from that period were the voices I heard coming thru me which I would later come to find out was my “re-awakening” of my spirit. Because of my addiction, I was attracting all sorts of spirits—both good and bad. It was my living nightmare. This was a very dark period in my life from which I felt I was dying—my physical body was intact but my old self, my drug addicted spirit was dying because now I know that my genuine and higher self was fighting to come out and be heard; to fulfill my life’s purpose. I heard voices, specifically Chris’ voice begging me to stop doing drugs and other spirits were literally running thru my body where I had no control of it—where I couldn’t even stay in my own home alone. I never stop to think about calling out to God. Then, one night when I could no longer take this “insanity,” I made an attempt to sleep at home alone with the lights on and finally, I knew I hit rock bottom—I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I had nowhere else to turn so I prayed the Lord’s Prayer alternating it with Hail Mary until I fell asleep. The next thing I knew—I had phoned my gifted friend Lorena who referred me to her friend Sharon, a Gifted Intuitive to help me understand what was happening to me. From there, I went to another Spiritual Intuitive who helped me jumpstart my journey, Pam--my Massage Therapist who also had an intuitive practice. If my friends/loved ones hadn’t been here for me, I wouldn’t be here today telling you my story. Shortly thereafter, I started praying the rosary after my cousin Marcel taught me how to pray it. I kicked the crystal habit cold turkey without withdrawals. Looking back now, the death of my old self was enough pain to overpower any addiction. I’ve been 4 years clean to date and haven’t had a craving since. I was advised early on and reminded now and then to ask God to fill in that space where the addiction lived. This has been a long and hard journey but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Now, I have a thriving practice and I guess you can say “the rest is history.”
With that said—I’m amazed at how strong and resilient the Human Spirit is. Anyone is capable of anything. My point is, when I turned my back on God all those years ago, He never turned His back on me.
Till next time, I bid you all Love, Light & Compassion.